Letter to Lena Dunham: In Defense of The Porn Parody
Author’s Note: This is a response letter to Lena Dunham’s protest against her show being a porn parody by Hustler.
What’s up Lena,
How is the writing and filming Season 3 of “Girls” going? That dude who played Charlie that left because of ‘differences’, whatever, he sounds like a douche and will regret it. He is a mediocre actor and ungrateful for the chance you gave him. So it goes.
Any ways, first, I must start off and say I am a big fan of the show. I love the writing and that ending of Season 2 (Spoiler Alert…stop reading if you haven’t seen it) with Adam carrying you (Hannah) in his arms was really beautiful. I like that you are taking on mental illness making it part of Hannah’s character, making E-Books look legitimate, and last I think people talking shit about you hooking up with Patrick Wilson is sexist, shallow, and stupid, as men find all types of woman attractive.
I know this for a fact because I managed a porn store for two years (hey, I’m a writer too and we all got to do shit to pay the bill while we write) and I’ve seen some pretty boys rent some videos of women (sometimes of men, and women with male parts) of all shapes, races, and sizes. This leads me to my point that “Girls” having a porn parody should not be an outrage but an acknowledgement that you have a show that has entered pop culture.
A lot of the ‘guys’ that would come to the porn store were not deviant pervs but actually low-class single lonely immigrants, many of them cab drivers who know about the show by hearing young girls talk about why Shoshanna should stay with Ray. They can’t afford HBO but with enough drunken cab rides of your fans talking about your show they know the characters as good as you do.
The fact that ‘Hustler’ is making this video is because these lonely ‘men’ have heard of the show and want something to look at when they get done with their 4 AM shift. Most of these dudes want something of a story to understand more of American pop culture…while masturbating, they usually have a second job so don’t have much time for recreational TV watching.
I understand why you’d be pissed as your sex scenes are big middle finger to the porn industry and it is not feminist to support Larry Flynt taking your art and putting a dopple of you getting banged by some weird Adam-looking dude with a huge cock, but while a lot of 21st century men are enlightened trying to move toward an equality of the sexes; these dudes still watch actual porn movies on DVD’s because many don’t have Internet, just want to survive & understand America, and masturbate at weird hours to porn till they find a wife.
I say you let this one go; you are a funny writer, so have a sense of humor about this and pick your battles in the war of equality. Parody and Satire is a healthy thing even if it’s from male pornographic perspective (I went through this in The Infinite Jest of Picking Porn Titles) as you are now up there with Obama (“Obama Bangs Your Mama”), Sarah Palin, “Star Trek”, and “Seinfeld”. Take it is a compliment not as a battle you have to fight.
Mainstream Porn is not your true enemy as your sex scenes (which some prudes would call porn) have been picked apart, because they are artistic and not typical porn–so I understand why you’d be pissed. You’re doing ‘realism’ and I respect it, but there are all types of art and I agree with Camille Pagila that porn is a type of art. Hustler’s is a shitty art, as male-focused porn is like crappy fantasy novels with wizards or whatever (Books that aren’t “Harry Potter”) directed at men but they have their place in the world just like “Girls” does.
Just see it for what it is: Weird-Al-Like Larry Flynt taking your hit song and putting his stupid spin on it.
A fan stoked for Season 3,
Christoph Paul
PS: Do you think you could have Ray read my book, his character would like it.
Simon Cowell Poem
*Author’s Note, I will be posting the poems that did not make the Poetry Collection “Psychoanalytic Celebrity Poems” aka P.C.P. or for you Twitter Folks #CelebPoems until the release of the book on July 4th with Swift Ink Books as follow up to “The Passion of The Christoph”. Until then, please enjoy the B-Sides…
Simon Cowell
Your poem has no pitch,
no vibrato,
it’s inauthentic.
Reading you is like
reading jazz with no broken time.
I’m British,
my comments always
sound better with this accent:
knowledgeable,
an expert.
I’m not grumpy,
just like to kill dreams:
marinade them in Brown Sauce,
and eat them.
David Lynch Poem
*Author’s Note, I will be posting the poems that did not make the Poetry Collection “Psychoanalytic Celebrity Poems” aka P.C.P. or for you Twitter Folks #CelebPoems until the release of the book on July 4th with Swift Ink Books as follow up to “The Passion of The Christoph”. Until then, please enjoy the B-Sides…
David Lynch
After I’m done
with Transcendental
Meditation I feel like a poem
that is a dream of a clown making love
to a snail that slides its way into a
mediation garden of fish gills
breathing the breath of
dust mites and
Maharishi.
Kate Upton Poem
*Author’s Note, I will be posting the poems that did not make the Poetry Collection “Psychoanalytic Celebrity Poems” aka P.C.P. or for you Twitter Folks #CelebPoems until the release of the book on July 4th with Swift Ink Books. For now, please enjoy the B-Sides…
P.S. if you googled this expecting Kate Upton nude pics I’m very sorry, this instead is poetry which can sometimes be as enjoyable as nude pics of Kate Upton….we hope at least…enjoy.
Kate Upton
If causing boners
could feed every hungry mouth,
the world would be full.
Your Sports Illustrated issue
makes men sad because
you’ll end up with an athlete
sharing the cover with you.
You’re America’s new prom queen,
the girl high school guys couldn’t get,
the one they’d do anything for,
wishing they were captains-of-anything
just so you’d know their name.
Top Ten 90′s West Coast Gangsta Rap Songs
*Author’s Note, while I managed the DC Porn Star I had XM Radio and was encouraged to put on the 90′s hip hop and R&B Station because most of the customers where brothas in their 40′s. I now know the genre like I’m from fucking Englewood and was christened a hononary brotha there, so, here is my list of my favorite songs of that era. Recognize mofo’s.
Mack 10- Foe Life
This is mother fucking gangsta. Listen to that beat. I never been to Compton and would probably get shot if I went but Mack 10′s beat and rhymes are taking me there. He is just laying it down and I’m believing everything he is saying. People complain that indie and rock music is boring and when I see this video and hear this song those complaints become valid. This song is dangerous what rock n roll is supposed to be. Before Mack 10 and that dude with weird beard braids joined Ice Cube to form West Side Connection Mack 10 busted onto this scene with this gem of a gangsta 3 verse and bad ass chorus hook story.
Domino- Sweet Potato Pie
You know, I still think Domino is one of the most underrated rappers of that era and area. He was doing shit with snoop and just as tight with smooth-pimp-like of a flow. He just didn’t have Dr. Dre behind and if he did who knows. I am not saying he as good as Snoop but Domino has some talent and it is shown in this song. And what a great metaphor for pussy, that is pretty gangsta, he could have chosen many types of pie but he choose Sweet Potato Pie, yet, the term obviously never caught on and either did Domino’s career, that last song I heard him in was in “The Tales From The Hood” Soundtrack.
Ice Cube- Today Was A Good Day
Fucking classic. Seriously, this song is a 10. No matter how many stupid TV shows and movies Ice Cube does he gets a free pass because of this classic gangsta rap song. He was clearly a mentor to Mack 10 as Ice Cube perfected the art of 3 verse story rap that goes all the way back to Slick Rick. Strangely, Ice Cube was better of the Ice’s as he had a smoothness combined with a rawness that Ice-T real ex-pimp could not achieve and is not on this list.
Rappin 4 Tay- Playaz Club
Bay area rapper with a great pimp smoothness following in the footsteps of one of great pimp rappers of all time Too $hort. This song just has a top-notch chorus that will stay in your head. It is smooth, playa-smooth, a different side of ‘gangsta’ coin; the rhymes in the verse are cool, nothing to go crazy about but it’s got a nice vibe and a quintessential but yet “slept on” west coast bay area gangsta rap classic.
MC Eiht- Straight Up Meance
From the best gangsta movie all time and that song compliments the soundtrack and movie very well. MC Eiht is another ‘slept on’ West Coast Rapper. This verse has a Tupac feel but gives a feeling of the tragedy of living the gangsta lifestyle. MC Eiht never broke through the mainstream but he is top-notch gangsta rapper and this song is very dope representing one of the best movies from the 90′s.
Lady of Rage – Afro Puffs
From one of the best soundtracks in hip hop history and one of the few female rappers from the West Coast. Rage got her cred with Snoop doing a guest appearance. She edges out the Dogg Pound as one of the members of Snoop’s ‘underoutage’ of rappers. Some could argue that “Regulators” is a better song not just from that era but from the soundtrack “Above The Rim” and you’d win but it really wasn’t that gangsta–Lady Rage is more gangsta than Warren G.
Eazy-E- Real Muthaphukkin G’s
It would be easy to put “Dre Day” on here but this list is about being gangsta is this song is fucking gangsta. It is the response to “Dre Day” and Eazy E puts out one of the most west coast gangsta 90′s beats in history and talks about how Dr. Dre used to wear lipstick. Both men were really a mirror into each other as both were master producers as Eazy went on to find Bones Thug and Harmony but unfortunately died from AIDS soon after which does not take from away from the greatness of the song “Gimmie That Nut” that these hipster white girls made an epic video to celebrate it
2Pac – I Get Around
Tupac burst onto the scene with this fun ass jam. It is not super gangsta but it encompasses the energy and flow that Tupac was great at. This was a middle finger and goodbye to those that thought he wasn’t just a back up dancer but he showed he was ready to become one of the best MC’s on the West Coast. Rappers today from Tyga and to 50 Cent still emulate 2 Pac’s spirit of ‘I don’t give fuck I just want to fuck and party’ mentality. This is classic Tupac before he really got big.
Dr. Dre Featuring Snoop Dogg – Deep Cover
This song is gangsta and established the sound that revived Dre’s career and made Snoop famous. And it is fucking gangsta, it took what Dr. Dre was doing with NWA and took it to another level. In this song Dre found his first muse, Snoop Dogg (later it would be Eminem.) That is one of the things about Dre he was just as great at finding talent as he was at making beats and here he would find the style and the MC that would have him rule the early 90′s with Death Row Records.
Too $hort – Cocktales
Good ole’ Too Short, he is still around. He did a song with ex-porn star Pinky. But before he had is grey beard; he was bragging on verses of his sexual conquests with clean-cut rhymes than are pretty fucking dirty. This is edited version but you here lines like, “Tina, Tina, the sperm cleaner, bitch so dumb I named her misdemeanor, cause it had to be crime to be that, cause she cum…in her mouth.” No, Too $hort is not a feminist but he is gangsta and still is.
Vladimir Putin’s Divorce Poem
I given great name:
Vladimir, it sound like
vampire but the only
blood sucker is my wife
and The Pussy Riot.
Life is one big pussy riot,
and I am at the great divorce
as the poets would say.
Though not fan of freedom in
any way, at least now I can
watch “Everyone Love Voroniny”
whenever I want and not
hear that dreadful laugh.
I will not miss Lyudmila,
she remind me of American
TV Star Judge Judy
but more annoying
and aggressive.
I’m still in very good shape and
will bring real pussy riot
when I walk the streets
of Moscow shirtless
this summer.
Oh The Horror…V/H/S/ 2 and The Purge
As a little kid my first real aspiration in life after playing for The Miami Dolphins was to write for “Tales From The Crypt”. What can I say I was a creepy little kid and blood & boobs were cool. They still are but this trailer brings out that little kid who got excited about sneaking in horror movies behind my mom’s back and watching them even if they were a little scrambled.
This movie just looks bad ass in every sense of the word. I did see V/H/S and loved the concept thought the execution could have been better but they brought in the big boys for the sequel. All 4 shorts I am excited about and I know some would say this is heresy but I think this sequel could be better than both “Creepshow’s” and “Tales From The Darkside.”
The Horror just keeps coming as I can watch “V/H/S 2″ on demand and then go to movies this weekend and see another bad ass horror movie. This might be the best horror week for horror fans since the invention of the VHS/DVD. “The Purge” is a great concept and the last great horror movie I have seen in the movie theaters was “Sinister” and it’s the same dudes behind this film. Though I’m not excited about this film as “V/H/S 2″ it still looks freakin’ good and if it as half as good as “Sinister” it will be the perfect Horror Weekend.
Interview with Riss Vandal Goth-Punk Fashion Writer
Riss Vandal is a writer, photographer, artist, and punk rock/goth kid for life. She currently contributes to Gothic Beauty Magazine and cohosts the Phillips Family Fun Time radio show.
Here are her 10 Questions with Christoph
1) What would be some good fashion advice for men who are lazy, uncreative, & cheap?
Uncreative: think of some terms to describe styles that interests you, then use them to poke around sites like Instagram or Lookbook.nu for super easy inspiration. Cheap and lazy: embrace thrift stores and ask a style/shopping-obsessed friend to help you shop–seriously, 9 times out of 10 they’ll happily do all the work for you. But most importantly, don’t wear sandals. Don’t wear them.
2) Shit, I’m wearing sandals right now…alright, I must know will women ever find over oversized sports jerseys sexy? Football season is coming and I want to bust out my Tannehill #FinsUp.
On themselves? Yeah, it’s possible. Unless you mean worn on men…then the answer is no.
3) Damn 0 for 2…I’m not that into fashion but I do follow your writing cause you are cool and there are hot goth chicks on it; I must give you props and say you really have a passion for fashion (sorry for that lame rhyme) what is it about fashion & culture that excites you to write about it?
I love how it gives you the opportunity to constantly reinvent yourself, and how fashion gave an incredibly shy person like me, the ability to make bold statements I was otherwise unable to say in words (does that sound cheesy? I don’t even care, because I’m being totally honest). Once you stop being bound by trends and realize there are no rules, fashion can be a very powerful thing.
4) Word. What has been your most fun fashion shoot and what has been your worst?
Well, the worst was the incomplete and yet to be published “Goth Cupid” shoot that I tried to model for in the dead of winter, which resulted in a 3 bout of pneumonia…
And while every other shoot I’ve done so far has been pretty sweet (I have yet to work with a diva model or creepy photographer), the most fun might have been the visual-kei style shoot I photographed. The shoot involved hair teased to the heavens and a black surgical mask, and I got to collaborate with a fabulous makeup artist and prance around a cemetery with two lovely androgynous boys all day–can’t beat that.
5) Androgynous boys seem like very balanced individuals. Now when not hanging with lovely androgynous boys and focusing more on the writing aspect I wonder, if you could write for one fashion magazine which one what would it be and why?
I thought my dream was to write for a goth magazine…but then I did (and occasionally still do) and I realized that, as much as I love goth fashion, a whole magazine devoted to it is too limiting. The only magazine that ever truly blew me away was the now-defunct MissBehave. It broke through subcultural boundaries, and it was bold, inspiring, slightly raunchy, and straight-up fun (which can be hard to come). I’m still waiting to find a magazine that blows me away like that one did…
6) I have noticed on your blog and night clubs I have intended (shout out to Independent Bar in Orlando) that there are a lot of Goths who are very attractive and in great shape. Is this because the dancing style of goth industrial music involves punching the air for two hours (which is great exercise) or does the Gothic outlook help in dieting?
Dude, you can only “Punch the Hobbit” for so long (refer to Voltaire’s book What is Goth for more details about that reference). And there definitely are goths in all shapes and sizes, but as far the ones in great shape, believe me, as un-goth as it may sound, goths do secretly hit up treadmills, and do salsa exercise videos, and run in track suits. I’m sorry if that just shattered the mystery…
7) I still think somebody needs to do a gothic exercise video. It would be awesome. Ok, on a more personal level, I must ask this: I am a moderately attractive writer who is also moderately employed; how can I date a Suicide girl? Are there girls below them that I’d have a better shot with like Coma Girls or something? What do I do?
I was incredibly disappointed by the results when I googled “Coma Girls.” Anyhow,I can’t say for sure, but get a bunch of tattoos, a DSLR camera, and learn how to bake vegan cupcakes and see where that gets you…
8) Well at least I have tattoos and my cousin still has an easy bake oven…speaking of stuff goth chicks are into, I have actually defended “Twilight” as a work of Sexual Personae & Gothic romanticism. Are you fan? If you are what is good about the series and what team are you on?
Yes, I like “Twilight”. It’s cheesy and poorly written and did little to no justice in terms of vampires or vampire folklore, but I thought it did a good job at capturing angst and the allure of danger. Basically, I consider it like literary junk food for people who like the supernatural and romantic melodrama.
And I’m team Edward. All the way.
9) Yeah, I like Edward too, screw werewolves. I also know from your writing is you are a fan of Anime. Please tell me what the hell “Akira” is about? Also why do Americans have a love and fascination with Japanese Culture?
I don’t think I’m supposed to admit this, but despite being an anime fan for as long as I can remember, I’ve never seen it and I don’t plan to. It never really sparked my interest…I like my anime cute and funny or beautiful and melodramatic. Though I do know it’s about psychic shit and biker gangs.
As for your second question, I’d say a lot of people love it because simply, it’s damn awesome…but also in many regards, quite mystifying.
10) That it is…You are of Hispanic Puerto Rican origin; I just want to know if there is a term called GothaRican?
I’ve never seen it used before, so if it’s not, let’s make it a thing starting now. I’ve only ever met one other Puerto Rican goth, who coincidentally went to my high school and lived in my neighborhood as a kid…though I certainly know there are many more out there. I’d really love to amass a crew of Latina Gothic Lolitas…
That would be cool. Okay, special bonus question that could cause you hate mail in the Gothic community Skinny Puppy or Combichrist?
I plead the fifth.
The correct answer was Skinny Puppy but I will give you a pass. Thank you Riss for educating the readers of this Blog on Fashion and how to get Suicide Girls both very important aspects of the human condition. Good luck all your endeavors and I hope to see a Facebook page started soon for all GothaRicans.
Awesome Songs With No or So-So Choruses
Here is my Top Ten List of Songs I Love with No or So-So Choruses.
Nirvana – Lithium
Kurt wrote some poetic choruses but when you strip this down it is no different than Lil Jon just saying ‘yeah’ for long stretches of time; but the verse is so great and the chorus, though, so-so makes the verse that much more memorable. I would argue this one of Kurt’s best verses or at least tied with “Heart Shaped Box”, which has both an awesome verse and chorus.
Ol Dirty Bastard – Brooklyn Zoo
ODB probably was not sober in any way when recording his classic first single. The RZA just gave him a cool piano beat and said to let loose. The Wu-Tang Clan is one of the first hip hop groups that just said: fuck a chorus our beats and rhymes are enough. This is just one long drunken poem that ends with less of a chorus and more of finale.
The Gay Blades – O Shot
This is a bad ass rock song and it’s all about the verse. The chorus is just there to break it up and get back to the memorable catchy ass verse. In most great songs, this usually is the other way around but in that verse the lyrics, guitar, and drums merge into one bad ass hook that you usually hear in a chorus. The Gay Blades have other songs like that: “Rock N Roll Part 2″ and “Mick Jagger”. Definitely check them out.
Marvin Gay & Tammi Terrell- You’re All I Need to Get BY
Method Man knew the verse was such a good hook he took the crappy chorus out and made the verse his own chorus he had Mary J. sing it. The hook is in the verse and the chorus itself is really lame and just filler. With The Gay Blades they are just being crazy and rocking out which is cool but Marvin and Tammi are just singing a so-so chorus. They needed something to break up the song and the chorus sounds like it. In the end, it doesn’t matter that verse hook is timeless.
The Harlem Shake Song
“Do The Harlem Shake” isn’t really a chorus…it just is…this song is a phenomenon due to some kids from Australia going crazy during the second part. But I wouldn’t call that a chorus it’s just a change of tempo and like a lot of electronica it is not using the traditional verse, chorus structure. Still, this song is no longer a meme but it is an awesome song capturing the slow/fast song structure of many great rock songs.
Local H – Bound for The Floor
The copacetic part is not a chorus it is a break, or really just the hook of the verse but the chorus its self is really forgettable. The refrain in the verse will stay in your head for days with an awesome hook and remains a great grunge rock song.
Toadies – Possum Kingdom
This is all about that rift, that verse and the chorus is just so-so but the verse is bad ass. Supposedly, this song is about vampires before vampires where cool. The rift and tone he uses on the lead guitar part is haunting and is still enjoyable after all these years.
Kanye West – Dark Fantasy
This chorus is kind of whack but god damn is the beat in this verse infectious. Kanye usually has top-notch choruses but this verse might be one of his best beats ever. The chorus is really just a break, it’s not terrible but it is not great. That verse is great though, and his rhymes are some of this best too.
Queens of The Stone Age – Feel Good Hit of The Summer
The chorus isn’t bad but it’s not what makes this song so awesome. it is all about that simple but catchy bad ass punk rock verse. This might be one of the best punk songs that is not classified as punk. For a prolific band, this is still one of their best songs.
Kendrick Lamar – Rigamortis
One of the best new school rappers that has the stuff, the chours is just a break for him to catch his breath. What makes Lamar so talented is songs strength isn’t about the beat; it is about the flow and Kendrick has it. Once this guy finds a great chorus to sample he is going to blow up.
Kevin Hart’s E-Mail…Let Me Explain
In “The Passion of The Christoph”, there is a chapter in the book I copied from The Illuminati Monthly Email Titled “Operation Black Dress”. You see, being an ex-Porn Manager in DC I was able to make some major political connections and found out the truth about The Illuminati and was able to get their e-mail forwarded to me by a very powerful man and member because he wanted his tranny renting kept a secret.
I learned The Illuminati is very real but they are not rappers like Jay-Z they are actually a white supremacist group (they are ‘The Man’) out to make sure black men are emasculated and kept down.
They do so by using Hollywood to put them in dresses as many great black actors and comedians have had to wear a dress in major films. This is why Dave Chappelle fled to Africa–he would not wear the dress in his unfinished season of “Chappelle Show”.
Their current main targets are now Morgan Freeman and Denzel Washington as they feel those two represent the power, strength, and dignity of the modern black man. They are using the tea party to emasculate Obama.
Kevin Hart is fellow humorist and reader of my book; he e-mailed me recently that he was very upset that he was not included in “Operation Black Dress”.
Here is Kevin Hart’s email to me at christophpaulwriter@gmail.com
What up Christoph,
“The Passion of The Christoph” is as funny as one my comedy specials. I was enjoying the shit out of it, on the real, dope as fuck but then I got to chapter “Illuminati Monthly Emails: Operation Black Dress” and read that shit and it pissed me the fuck off. Your Shia Labeouf looking ass needs to find away to tell these fools this is some bullshit.
Look, I don’t give a fuck that The Illuminati is racist and wants brothas in dresses; that’s fine, The Man wants brothas doing stupid shit all the time–nothing new about that, but what pisses me off is they don’t even mention me. The Man don’t even care if I am in a dress or not. It is insulting, and I feel slighted. It makes me feel like brotha is back on the basketball court.
So what’s the deal, am I not enough of a threat or a masculine enough for The Illuminati to put me in a dress in a movie franchise like Wesley, Martin (I’m funnier than that mother fucker), Perry, &/or even Eddie Murphy? I might be Tom Cruise’s height but I’m a crazy dangerous mother fucker too. I don’t jump on couches but I’ve fucked some white bitches on them.
The Man needs to recognize I am a star on the rise & frankly I am insulted that I have not been offered a movie where I wear a dress.
Shit, I did “Soul Plane” I’d do “She Got Game 2″ or even play Madea’s cousin Shantel if offered. Whatever, I don’t give a fuck. Putting on the dress don’t bother me; The Man thinks they are emasculating a brotha by putting him in a dress but those dumb asses don’t realize it is now a status symbol. I could pull twice the pussy if I got in the dress. That is where the loot is at. That’s franchise shit right there.
Christoph, I want me some Big Momma Money; so you tell them Illuminati racists mother fuckers that I am a size 4 & I will be waiting to hear from my agent.
Peace Out,
Your favorite black comic that is not Chris Rock,
Kevin Hart
Available on Amazon!
Follow Me!