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*Author’s note. Here is the mud shark’s side of the story of the Shark Episode of Led Zeppelin.

How’s it hanging dudes and duderinas; I am the most famous shark in the world, seriously bro, I’m like only second to Jaws and that dude isn’t even real. It’s a total wash out holmes, the Great Whites get all the fish and the fame.

Me, I am just a regular mud shark, nothing special; I hunt minnows and eat baby snappers. The only real gnarly thing that ever happened to me (before I met Led Zeppelin) was I banged this white tip named Sheila. She was totally hot and cool and liked to hang out by Edgewater Hotel but she flaked out and skipped town to Cali. Total bummer.

I waited around Edgewater for her to come back but my bro Jeffery swam by me & said he saw her on his vacay to LA going raw dog with some Hammerhead. My shark heart was broke; it sucked like rank seaweed dude.

I stopped eating and listened to that Beach Boys song “God Only Knows” just drifting like a dorkarino by the Hotel. It went on for days bros and I call I could think of was Sheila; man, she was the best: her fin was the perfect size and she was a snaggle tooth which is just my thing-you know. I wanted to die and prayed to Poseidon to take me out baby seal style.

But after a while bros, I just got the munchies hardcore and saw this squid floating in the water.

I shot right up and ate that spaghetti hot dog whole. It tasted good as balls man but when i went to swallow–total fucking wipeout, metal went through the gills and I kid you not bro all of a sudden I was flying in the air like those pelicans that chill by the pier.

Man, I just kept flying up and up; then these humans pulled me through the window in the hotel. Crazy bro!

Even though I was super pissed I gotta say bros they were pretty gnarly looking humans: they had long hair that looked like a bunch of sea enemies and when I heard them talk they didn’t sound like Seattle humans they had some weird Jacques Cousteau ancient but way less lame.

But these rocker dudes weren’t alone, on the bed was this red-head chick all nude-beach-like laying there spread eagle. Man, all I could do was flap around hoping to scare them but like a bunch of dicks they just laughed and asked her she was ready to have me take her to the stairway to heaven.

I prayed to Poseidon to make sure Sheila had a good life and made peace with you know deep stuff. I thought they were gonna make me shark sushi but these buttheads turned me into a dildo instead of a seadish.

The one named Jimmy sang out, “here is a whole lot of love” as they had my shark fin rub on her tuna surprise. Even though I was scared as balls the smell of her just made ME get the munchies. And this crazy chica was all into it like a clown fish and a sea enemy.

As they are having me black dog her taco I am seeing my life flash before my eyes: being a baby shark, eating baby seals, the time I wiped out on coral reef, and banging Sheila while the ginger colored human moaned all banshee style.

The louder she got the worst I needed water; I made my final peace with Poseidon and closed my eyes for permanent wipe out.

But then I felt a big gush on my fins and into my gills. I could breathe & opened my eyes and saw water shooting out of her clam shell. My fins got so slippery & & this Jimmy dude laughed so hard that I flew out of his hands into air like Jonathan the lesbian seagull. I was flying bros but I thought it was my shark soul going to heaven but then I went down & hit the water and could breathe.

I was alive but I was not the same; I freaked out and swam down to Portland to get my head right.

I didn’t talk to any other sharks for next months I just ate baby seals and tried to get my shit together. I’d get sharkmares, waking up wondering who these dudes were and why would they want a shark fin up in some human poon.

More months went by and I got bored and felt bummed. Even though I was scared and had the heebie-jeebies to go back to the hotel, I ran to this mudshark Brad and who told me heard from the grapevine that my bro Jeffery had a nice stash of seaweed with shrimp.

That was all I needed to hear and left him in mid-sentence and swam back to my home and homies.

It took a good day and made my way toward the hotel and saw Sheila drifting there like she was waiting for me. She smiled at me and said, “Dude. I’m sorry. I got scared. I know Jeffery saw me with the Hammerhead and told you.”

“It sucked dudearina; I really love you and stuff.”

“I wasn’t ready dude. I know it was bogus what I did, but still man, I always knew you were a special shark. When I heard what happened, I knew I was right.”

“Heard what?” I asked, I didn’t tell a soul about the hotel.

“Dude, about you hanging with Led Zeppelin; you are like the most famous shark in the world.”

“Those dude’s made me fin that chick?”

“Yeah, man they are the most famous humans in the world and they rock sonar style. Jeffery found a picture of you and the band and the ginger chick; he found it on the bottom of the floor. They must have taken it that night. Word has spread dude. Everyone wants to talk to you.”

“Woah, that is pretty gnarly.”

“Yeah, man. Even the great whites want to talk to you…”

“I think those dudes are stuck up, but alright, I’d be open if they shared some yellow fin with me…’

Sheila then swam close to me and said “I’m sorry dude. It really was bogus what I did. I don’t want to mess with any more hammerheads; I am ready to have shark babies with you. Can I get your love back.”

“Dudearina, you can have all my love.”

***

This story and many other screwed up ones are in the book “Demons In The TV” by Christoph Paul.

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