Setting: A posh coffee shop, in L.A.; Jaleel White aka Steve Urkel walks in to meet his agent Josh Weinstein.
Agent: Jaleel. Look at you. Handsome as ever. How is life?”
Jaleel: Mother fucking hard. The royalty checks they are not enough anymore. Why are we at this place? I hate this place.
Agent: What are you talking about? This place is great. Best coffee, best croissants.
Jaleel:The fucking waitresses here…I wanted to take my old Urkel suspenders and strangle one of them to the death. The stupid bitch asked me if I’d like any cheese with my danish…ha fucking ha. I can’t even go out to get something to eat without some asshole asking if I want cheese with that or if I’m still talking to Laura. The worst thing is, is that fucking Hulu thing. With more shows in syndication, I’m not getting my Urkel money. I running low. I need work.
Agent: That is why I am here. We are going to get you to the top again, getting the Jaleel stream flowing.
Jaleel: Man, I showed range playing Stefan, I can do this. What about a duo show with the guy who played Carlton. We could pitch it to BET.
Jaleel: Yeah, Jaleel and Alfonso, we could be divorced dad’s or something…
Agent: hmmm…not bad, I’ll try…but I got something that can pay the bills.
Jaleel: What?! An offer. I want something strong where I am not a buffoon.
Agent: You get to play the hero. You get to show your brains and brawn.
Jaleel: Film? Tv Show? I’ll take indie even. This sounds good.
Agent: Not film, not show; a TV movie, but definitely indie.
Jaleel: Made for TV…ok, not fucking great but nothing horrible. I can do it. We talking HBO, Showtime? Oh, is it dying from a disease? I could nail that Josh. I could.
Agent: Not a disease movie, but something epic. Something to really say, hey I’m alive and I’m not Urkel. I’m Jaleel and I belong back in your homes.
Jaleel: I’m game.
Agent: Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus.
Jaleel: Mega what? What? Fuck man, I don’t want another voice over job…unless I get Chris Rock Madagascar cash.
Agent: Live action. You play a military man alpha male role. Sci-Fi has green lit it; it is going to be huge. Mega Shark equals mega hit!
Jaleel: Those shitty movies they make fun of on The Soup. I should have fucking done a sex tape it. I should have sex taped Laura or Myra. I could have got that pussy, shit my only other option is porn like Justin did. I should have done it; how I have fallen. Fucking Sci-Fi films.
Agent: What are you talking about? They are great, and doing excellent overseas.
Jaleel: Tiffiani did one. Fucking Tiffani post-Playboy shots. Am I that bad? I can’t escape Urkel can I?? I never will, all people see is those suspenders and the cheese, the fucking cheese. I wan to send that writer who wrote that a fucking line poisoned cheese, not just to him but to his whole family!
Agent: Jaleel, calm down. It is either this or a Family Matters renuion…or a sex tape.
Jaleel: I need to buy an eightball and a bottle of jack or just kill myself. Maybe make myself forcefully choke on some real good cheese. That will be a good laugh, right.
Agent: Stop this! Now you listen to me; Sci Fi makes these piece of shits every year but this one has a plot. There is thought to this one. I’ve read the script, they are fighting because the Shark messed with Crocosaurus’s eggs…it’s a metaphor. It’s deep man. It can be huge. This can be huge globally and guess what. China and India do not know you as Urkel but they could know you as the man who killed Mega Shark and Crocosaurus. That could play big in Japan too.
Jaleel: …You know what…fuck America, fuck France and their fucking cheese. Fine…I need the work. Let’s do China and India. I like Asian chicks…they’d make for a good sex tape.
Agent: Wait… I got it. Do this film and then Do Dancing With Stars before the Sex Tape.
Jaleel: Ok. Let’s sign the papers.