I have been freelancing for this really gay playwright in the East Village. He is a super nice guy but all he talks about is show tunes and really gay stuff like that. When we took a writing break on his play ‘The Orchid Groomer’ I checked out some Mock NFL Drafts and he looked at my phone and said he loves the draft and watches it every year with his life partner Jeffery. He said he was working on a mock draft and I said he could use my blog to post it. He got super excited and emailed this to me.
So here is the playwright and gay activist Simon Tradeau’s Mock Draft.
1) Kansas City Cheifs: OT Luke Jockel: Texas AM
Those Kansas City Chiefs need a big stud blocking their blind side. That cutie Alex Smith can’t take a big sack, at least not like that fast studly Egyptian-Pharaoh boy who took his job in San Fran (shout out to Tyrone from by the Bay, you still super fine.) Lucky Luke has the best python arms than any defender in the draft. And you can build a team and protect your behind with a tackle like that.
2) Jacksonville Jaguars: QB Geno Smith: West Virgina
I love this boy and if Jacksonville has any smarts they will pick this cutie pie up. I saw him talking to Jon Gruden (Hey Chuckie, you can come up and coach up my Jetties anytime, I am done with that Fatty Boo Batty Ryan) on his quarterback coach show and I was impressed with his poise and his skills as an artist as he drew an adorable picture of Gruden. Blaine Gabbert, he throws like a twink playing with a chocolate Chip & Dale cock. No, No.
3) Oakland Raiders: DT: Star Lotuleli: Utah
Let me tell you, Star…he is one and his heart will be painted in silver and black. My ex had a heart condition and let me tell you something he was the best bottom bitch I ever had. Star will be fine and Oakland will be lucky to have their middle of the line all filled up.
4) Philadelphia Eagles: OT: Eric Fisher: Central Michigan
That Chip Kelly, he reminds of a method actor I worked with on A Street Car Named Desire. Stuck in his ways and can’t try new kind of direction. Like the actor if Chip Kelly can’t get his quarterback he is gonna get an offensive lineman and make that terrible puppy pedler play behind that rebuilt line.
5) Detroit Lions: DE: Ezekiel Ansah: BYU
With Ezekiel joining the front of seven, I would be scared. This one time I dated this black man named Jamal and let me tell you if I was Jay Cutler or any other QB in that division he’s gonna have the same scared face I had when Jamal dropped his drawers. I was petrified cause I knew it was gonna hurt.
6) Clevaland Browns: CB: Dee Millner: Alabama
That Nick Saban he is the Barbara Streisand of coaching up defensive players. You can’t go wrong with those boys from Alabama and those Browns have a corner that could be good as this cutie pie Revis–I’d be stranded on that island anytime 😉 .
7) Arizona Cardinals: OT: Lane Johnson: Oklahoma
Those Cardinals they need some offensive help up front or Carson Palmer is gonna be the bottom bitch of the Arizona desert. I think it was poor trade, Carson just doesn’t have that sparkle in his eye but with no Franchise QB’s available they pick that stud from Oklahoma Mr. Lane to keep those lanes open.
8) Buffalo Bills: QB: Ryan Nassib: Syracuse
Those Buffalo Bills, they remind me on when I’m out on a Tuesday at The Cock & Barrell and I’m looking for a man least 6’2 who can deliver it deep and that is good enough. They are quarterback hungry and they are picking him and pulling a Tannehill.
9) New York Jets: OLB: Jarvis Jones: Georgia
My Jetties need to rush the passer, oh boy, now that we losing Revis I don’t know what we are going to do. But I know Rex Ryan, he likes tHose big boys with speed going down the middle and Jarvis has the special skills to get deep in the back field.
10) Tennessee Titans: OG: Chance Warwick: Alabama
I don’t know about Jake Locker he reminds of my ex-boyfriend who liked to collect opera singer figurines. He showed promise and had nice arms but you just couldn’t depend on him to come through in the clutch. Having a better line could help him and if my ex gave me more attention than those figurines we’d be still be going to Sunday brunch.
11) San Diego Chargers: OLB: Barkevious Mingo: LSU
Those Chargers are a bigger disappointment than I was in my father’s eyes. I didn’t choose to be this way and the chargers don’t choose to be underachievers but with Peyton in the division they will need more of pass rush and I will need to call my father.
12) Miami Dolphins: CB: Xavier Rhodes: FSU
I hate those Miami Dolphins, I always meet some old queen talking about the 72′ Season. Whatevs. Don’t care, and they got that stud Tom Brady to compete with so they need a CB more than I need a facial…a beauty one you bad boys.
13) New York Jets: CB: Desmond Truffant: Washington
My Jetties got stupid and just gave away my favorite Island besides Little Palm; my Jetties now have to get Mr. Truffant to fix that backfield. I need to get on the stair master to get rid of all my back field from eating warm souffles in the winter.
14) Carolina Panthers: DT: Shariff Floyd: Florida
That big tall stud Cam needs a WR but that defense has more holes than the cheese at Stalgal’s gallery opening last Tuesday. Shariff will give him that SEC experience that is needed where you are used to taking it hard up front.
15) New Orleans Saints: FS: Kenny Vaccario: Texas
Drew Brees needs more than that birthmark removed, he needs a defense and Kenny in the backfield when can see some shoot outs that will rival any truck shop rest shop (the 80’s were a fun a time)
16) St. Louis Rams: WR: Tavon Austin: West Virgina
17) Pittsburg Steelers: WR: Cordarellle Petterson: Tennessee
Big Ben needs someone who can go deep or he’ll get all sad and do something dumb at a bar. I Know men like that, when they don’t get what they want they go to bar and do something dumb like punch a whole in the bathroom wall to make their own glory hole…I need to Facebook him…
18) Dallas Cowboys: DT: Sheldon Richardson: Missouri
How bout them Cowboys. Eh, Sheldon will help but that Tony Romo is a stale piece of bread. He is no better than a bi-curious Mormon when it comes to skills where it counts. Dallas is gonna need a defense to bail out Tony Two Time.
19) New York Giants: OT: DJ Fluker: Alabama
I don’t like Eli he looks like a constipated Gomer Pile and he has not the pizzaz or cuteness of Tom Brady but that ugly boy can beat the Patriots but he needs a line or he’s just gonna end up looking more unsightly.
20) Chicago Bears: OG: Jonathan Cooper: North Carolina
That Jay Cutler, I can’t help it but he reminds me of the abusive man from A Street Car Named Desire–you hate him, but are in awe of him. That arm of his is so strong he can give a hand job to a small Balkan country but he needs protection and Cooper is a good guard.
21) Cincaniti Bengals: SS: Jason Elam: Florida
Oh, the Bengals and their little fiery crotch ginger QB have a nice thing going. I see them waiting for the second round for a running back and go strong safety to help Big Red on the other side of the ball.
22) St. Louis Rams: FS: Eric Reid: LSU
The Rams are so tragic, no matter who they draft they are going to be bottom bitches of The NFC West but Eric Reid will make those long bombs from the hot Egyptian from San Fran and the midget from Seattle less of a hazard.
23 Minesota Vikings: WR: Kennan Allen: Califronia
If you ask me they just need to keep giving that ball to that stud Adrian but that flimsy arm QB has got throw to somebody so they get a boy from California and make play in the cold. I hope Kennan doesn’t pull a Kel and fall off.
24 Indianpolis Colts: DE: Dantone Jones: UCLA
Ew, I am sorry Dantone but you leaving LA and going to Indianapolis. At least you got Andrew Luck bailing y’all out. I swear though I’d never want to live there: the gay men there just talk about corn and Peyton Manning–boring!!!
25) Minesota Vikings: LB: Manti Te’o: Nortre Dame
Catfish Catfish, everybody hating on Manti for it but I was Catfished too; it is awful experience and has nothing to do with stopping the run and the pass. My cat fish said he was a little Twink from France who ended up being old queen from Queens. It’s ok Manti I know your pain.
26) Green Bay Packers: TE Tyler Elfert: Notre Dame
Ooh, doesn’t Aaron Rodgers look so sexy in those discount double-check commercials. I get the vapors we he talks about deals; so cuter than Peyton and the stud deserves a Notre Dame tight end and let me tell Tyler has a tight end and then some.
27) Houston Texans: WR: DeAndre Hopkins: Clemson
It doesn’t matter Andre Johnson wants this pick but it won’t matter that bald quarterback that looks like the british guy in all those hideous transporter movies is the reason why the Texans will never go to a Superbowl. They need to get that boy from Arkansas but they won’t.
28) Denver Broncos: DE: Bjoern Werner: Florida State
Those fax machines, is this reason for this. back in my twenty’s I faxed a cock pick to a cute boy working at kinkos. He liked it and took me out for Tacos.
29) New England Patriots: De Margus Hunt: Southern Methodist
That Bill Belchick him and his ugly sweater are always trusting their system. What he needs to trust is a receiver for Tom Brady, but ol Bill will get a pass rusher and let that cutie pie Tom keep carrying him to the playoffs.
30) Atlanta Falcons: CB: DJ Hayden: Houston
Oh, those Atlanta boys and that hunk of a man Matt Ryan. They are always the bridesmaid never the braid. It just doesn’t matter who the Falcons pick they will never go to the Superbowl. They are like my Fag Hag Helena; she just stays at home with her cats. It’s sad.
31) San Francisco 49ers: DT: Jesse Williams: Alabama
They are the team to beat and my Superbowl pick. I can’t wait to get a bottle of wine and join in on the parade when they win the Superbowl in 2013. Jeffery and I are saving up for tickets.
32) Baltimore Ravens: WR: Robert Woods: USC
With that clutch stud over there’s going to San Fransisco they replace him with another possession receiver who hopefully can catch balls and trim Joe Flacco’s eyebrows. Gross.