When I look in The Top 100 Amazon selling and non-selling kindle books I see one thing in common–there is a shit load of ‘mommy porn’ and it’s just bad. It is the cheesy kind where there is a guy wearing a shirt but its unbuttoned cause I don’t know…it’s hot? His abs show he does a 1000 crunches a day while his faces shows a longing of a bad boy in need of true love or just some good sex.

As a young male writer seeing these shirtless abs sucks on many levels, not only does it make me feel bad about my half-pack (I don’t have even a 1 pack, even it’s like a half of one…look, they’re coming, I’m exercising and cutting back on beer) but as a writer seeing that this is the ‘marketplace’ for better or worst is very disenchanting.

I am a real writer, not some dude who just likes to hang out at Starbucks and/or Barnes and Nobles and make faces of great frustration.

This is my thing, this is what I got, there is no: oh, I guess I’ll be an investment banker or work with children. I hate math and kids of all ages.

I’m a writer, the perfect day for me is being alone for eight hours writing and or editing (hit me up I freelance just saying). I have
picked out jobs (terrible, morally bankrupt jobs) for one reason: I knew I could sneak writing in at them. That is how I roll.

Yet, I am a writer in a time when housewives are the biggest readers and they are wanting to read the worst shit imaginable.

I don’t blame the housewives, though, I don’t even blame the writers who write this crap. Hey, I’m like them I have the same goal: I want to make money writing.

Whether my motives are motivated by the muse and their motivations by the money I don’t know or care–it doesn’t matter when it comes to the bottom line–people are buying this shit.

I get it, there is a marketplace and they are filling its need and I wish I was a hack and could write some good ‘mommy porn’ but it’s just not in me. I write what I want to write and let the marketplace come to me, not vice versa that is how original and good ‘art’ gets created.

But right now, is not the time for celebrating risk or independence, unless it was bondage that involves a big cock. That is what the over 40 married woman with kids wants to read (or stuff about cats, cat books do really well).

Why is ‘book porn’ a literary desire for intelligent, sensitive, creative, reading, and intellectual curious moms? Is there someone at fault for the downfall of the 40 an over female reader?

Yes, they’re lazy lousy D giving husbands!

That is right, you football watching lazy-fuck bastards are on my shit list. Not only do you not read (unless it Malcolm Gladwell or ‘The Game of Thrones’) your lazy philistine ways have obviously transferred into the bedroom and has spilled into the bookstore.

If your wife was sexually satisfied she might look at my book on Amazon and say to herself, “‘Psychoanalytic Celebrity Poems’ that sounds cute, I read poetry in college. You know, instead of ‘A Fireman’s Forbidden Flame’ I can try this book instead, it will be fun to read before Carl comes home and licks my pussy and we try that fantasy where I’m tied up.”

I’m pissed on another level too cause I used to manage a porn store and that was my dream job besides writing (it was my dream job cause I got to get paid to write, work a register, and talk with cool brothas about sports–it was like working at barber shop without having to cut hair) and it was the porn store clerk’s job to be a free sex psychologist.

I helped housewives pick out vibrators and toys for their partners to use so they and their husband could watch ‘Mad Men’ and other good television together instead of her isolated reading this ‘mommy porn’ crap.

So husbands, if you are not going to read books then you need to do your duty and please that booty so your wives reading desires will change because you have not satisfied them.

Where men look at actual visual porn, women like to read it. The difference between the sexes is men still like to look at porn even if they are sexually satisfied but women do not.

If you’re hitting it right, why does your wife need to read this crap?

Hell, she would least go back to reading ‘The Devil Wears Prada’ or some other chick-lit crap which is fucking Faulkner compared to ’50 Shades of Grey’.

Book Porn basically fills a void that you–husbands–have created.

How do you football watching bad fucks fix this?

It is very simple, look at her and think of the things you liked when you first met her. Give her compliments, act like you did when your first met her and bring that romance and sexual experimentation back into the bedroom and give to her Good D.

I know you’re tired, I know you just want to watch Sportscenter after a hard days work. I feel ya brother, I did a full-time Job, a band, and wrote books it was brutal, but I made time to have sex and gave the Good D.

But it ain’t just about you or me; you’re sex life affects the artistic market place. If you aren’t going to open a book then you need to open your wives legs and please her. You’re not just giving her the good D for you or her, you are doing to save literature itself.

*Author’s Note (two things)

This is not a tirade against good erotica. I am a fan of good erotica which is ‘decadent romanticism’ and has literary merit. Sex plays a role in the story but it’s not the other way around–it’s not just pure porn and it is usually done very well. This is a tirade against cheesy Mommy Porn/Romance Novels.

Husbands, if you have erection issues and heart problems, I highly recommend the product Stiff Nights. It was the best seller at the porn store and just as effective as Viagra without problems to your heart and/or bad side effects.

Thank You,
Christoph Paul

2 thoughts on “A Writer’s Plea: Husbands Give Your Wives The Good D

  1. I fucking love this post! I hate, hate, hate, all the ‘mummy porn’ (I’m English so say mummmy, not mommy, right?), and women don’t read it because they’re sexually unsatisfied – this bit you have wrong, I think. The women who read it are the women who buy bags that cost £500 because they’ve heard it’s the thing to have, or say they like George Clooney (or whoever) because everyone else does, or, for some reason, at the age of 40 suddenly start using teen moron speak like ‘lol’ and ‘nom nom nom’ on Facebook and Twitter. They also think they are being oh-so-daring by reading it, and making ghastly coy remarks about it. Unfortunately, there are far more women of this type than of the intelligent type. Which is why it’s a best seller.

    There is another huge group of women who read it – these are the intelligent ones who read it because they want to find out if it’s as bad as everyone says, and carry on reading in appalled wonder. Then there are the people like me who couldn’t give a shit, and know that this current fad for badly written misogynistic porn will pass, eventually. Notice how vampires are on the downslide? One day, one day. I’m like you – I write what I want to, and if people like it, good, though I fail to catch the enormous chick lit loving market – those ones who like books with sparkly cupcakes on the front, laugh people falling over on dates, and believe in Prince Charming. Right, now I must go and have a fag, then watch Trailer Park Boys 🙂

    1. Yeah, you have a point I asked people why they read it & a lot said they were just curious. I read it to see what the fuss was and couldn’t get through it.

      I quit fags (smokes my American friends) but I shall never quit The Trailer Park Boys 🙂

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