I am not proposing this idea figuratively, I mean it literally; I will prostitute myself for book reviews.
I just learned that authors can buy book reviews. I had no idea this existed. Now, while some people find this morally reprehensible, I just wish I had money to do this. I know my books are good, I don’t need validation, but other people don’t know they are good books. They use a review systems like Amazon and Goodreads and if they see a bunch of 5 star reviews they click and buy it.
My friends and followers say they like my book, but they don’t do reviews; they have shit to do. And I’m too much of a pride-filled asshole to bug them for a damn book review (I don’t want to be that guy, it is annoying), but yet doing sexual favors for book reviews, I can get behind that…now we are getting figurative and literal.
Now, while other writers have funds to purchase these reviews I am proposing a swap. Sexual favors for book reviews.
I see the most popular reviews our romance and erotica, which tells me that these are women in the 30s and 40s who are not getting laid.
I see this an opportunity for win-win transaction.
I am a lover of all women: all shapes, sizes, ages, whatever (I have done my wingman duties and jumped on many grenades that some have called me Captain Christoph).
Ladies, I can get the job done, but that comes down to you typing some things, using those ring or ‘ringless’ fingers (I don’t mind cheating on husbands) and then I can use my guitar playing fingers on you.
I’m not the most attractive man in the world but I will bring my guitar, play some power chords maybe a little blues and then something more–just for a book review. Tell me this isn’t a little hot ladies.
Which is a good segue to the “transaction”…I have 3 books out, so I could use three 5 Star reviews. Here is what I propose for each review .
1 Amazon & 1 GoodReads Review = Make out and Boob Play.
I will kiss you well, we can put on your favorite music. Maybe some Cheryl Crow or Bon Jovi, whatever you are into. And I will massage your breasts better than you read about in your shitty romance novels. (I will wear my shirtless vest if requested).
2 Amazon & 2 Goodreads Reviews: Finger Play and Original Songs
Not only will there be a make out session and boob play, but I will play some original songs on my guitar and then use my fingers on you. If you go back to the video above you will hear in a mediocre guitar solo that I have some talents in my fingers. I worked at porn store so I know a woman’s body. It’s even trade, I use my fingers, then you use your finger to type some things on your Amazon account.
3 Amazon & 3 Goodreads Reviews: Cunnilingus and Cover Songs
Oh yeah girl, whatever songs you like I’ll learn them from guitartabs.com, bring over the acoustic, and serenade you. Then you will disrobe and just direct me as I will use my tongue and other parts of my body to give you pleasure. You will see stars of sexual delight and all I ask in return is just give me a few…stars 😉