Dear Diary,

I should have been a baseball player. My arm is so strong and awesome that it only took two minutes of foreplay and the hot chick from The Hills had to marry me. Fucking football and quarterbacking, you have to like be accurate and the other team can’t intercept you. This game is so stupid. Really boring.

All the guys on the team are pissed at me, even my good friend Brandon, because of my pics. They don’t realize how boring it is to play quarterback if you don’t try to make crazy throws you shouldn’t. What’s the point then? I need to start hanging with skateboarders they would understand why I throw the balls I do. If there is no risk, why do it. Right?

I think football would be way cooler if we just threw the ball at dunk tanks. Those were fun. I should message the commissioner. I could get my wife to get like celebs or something and everyone could just watch me throw it really hard and probably have someone fall into the dunk tape.

I wish arm wrestling competitions were real, or that they paid as much as the NFL. I could tour the road and do something easy, just sit and use my arm. That is what heaven is going to be.

These diaries coach has me doing are dumb. He looks like my old geometry teacher. He knows my arm is the only thing that keeps his creepy ass hired.

It makes me sad to see Brandon so mad at me, I’ll try playing football the lame way again.

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