Republicans, you are pretty fucked. Scott Walker is the Elizabeth Warren of the right. Marc Rubio won’t win because of Bush and Christi taking his votes and Christi is about 5 years away from being on the celebrity version of The Biggest Loser. Rand Paul is just his father with curly hair and poor interview skills. He strangely could be your best bet if he stuck to what he actually believed, but he can’t through a primary where Ted fucking Cruz and Santorum are taken seriously. Ben Carson is a smarter but less entertaining version of…fuck I can’t even remember the last black republican’s name.

There is a name I do recognize, Bush.

Now before my friends on the right say this is just some snarky liberal using the Big Blog Media to take down Republicans. I’m not.

I’m an independent.

I am socially very liberal, but I’m fiscally conservative. I worked for Department of Labor and saw how governmental programs aimed at “doing good” are very wasteful and dysfunctional. I also think you have someone who is electable and I think democracies need two real choices. Mitt Romney had no chance and either will Jeb Bush when people hear that name and non-political independents get bad flashbacks of his brother.

I know it sucks but we independents decide the election.

It’s not fair in some ways to Jeb as well. He isn’t stupid and aloof like his brother. He is center-right the same way Hillary is center-left. He is also aware of the new changes in politics. Specifically that America will get more hispanic, just like the early 20th century became more Irish and Italian.

He is politically astute. When he voted in 2009 he put himself down as a Latino on his voting card. This was not a mistake. This was actually pretty brilliant and shows he was planning to run either 2012 or 2016. If he wants to win he needs to double down and go further and change his last name.

The Bush name isn’t as bad as the name Hitler, but it is the C-Word of American politics.

If Bush is to have a shot at beating Hilary (if he survives the kook primary) he should take his wife’s Hispanic last name. He has to win over women or at least get as much Latino numbers he got in Florida.

Conservatives and those on the extreme right will vote for him out of hate for the Clintons. But if he is to have a shot at winning over Latinos, gaining some women’s votes, and people not cringing at voting for another Bush, I honestly think this is the only way.

He and Rubio are the only candidates that have a shot in Hell to be competitive. I know a lot of people on the right think Scott Walker is their man, but he is a dork. Seriously, if you saw a picture of Jeb against Walker who would you rather hang out with, or more importantly who would women and Spanish people want to hang out with more?

If Walker goes against Hillary she will school his ass in Foreign Policy. I said it earlier and I’ll say it again: he seriously is the Elizabeth Warren of the right. I have friends on the left who want Warren to run and I’m just thinking: you’re really fucking clueless. It’s the same on the right, Walker won’t win. Not nationally.

But If Jeb changes his name and fucking salsas with his wife, he’s got a shot. He needs to make a big ordeal that the name change is about showing he is not a Bush, be he’s his own man who is part of his wife’s culture. Many white men might think he’s lame for doing this but those guys weren’t going to vote for Hilary. It’s a gimmick yes, but when election day comes women and Hispanics and many clueless independents will vote for a Gallo than a Bush.

Christoph Paul is an author 5 books of satire and humor.

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